Ego

The ego is an amazing thing. It's not a thing, really. One can't grab it, touch it, or see it. Most times it's tough to even know when it is working on us.

I began working on mine, I mean really working on it, a few years ago when going through yoga teacher training for the second time in my life. The first time I earned my certification, I spent my weekend at the health club learning postures and in what order they should be done in class. I didn't realize at the time that there is so much more to yoga than postures and getting a workout. I like to think I am older and wiser now. At that time, for the 30 of us (and many health club junkies) the postures and the class outline were the only things that mattered.  It was just another type of group fitness class.

Due to that experience, I spent many years avoiding yoga. My running life started instead! In my 20's I needed exercise that would physically drain me and keep me looking the way I thought I should look.  Yoga didn't fit that mold. It was too slow. I didn't sweat. It bored me.

After all those years of finding workouts that would get me out of my head and push myself to the limit physically, I chose to go back to yoga.  My second round of teacher training happened in Boulder, Colorado--the western yoga Mecca.  We spent hours and hours every week on our mats, breathing and moving through postures.  Then there were the hours we spent off our mats finding deeper meanings in yoga, learning about yoga and ourselves.

I found my ego there, on my mat, watching those lithe bodies moving perfectly through vinyasa flows and mastering inversions. My frustration with myself seeped through my expression in the mirrors of the studio.  I just had to figure out how to be perfect at yoga!

Through many classes of trying to be physically perfect and failing miserably, I started to actually listen to what our teachers were saying about being in the moment, yoga is a journey, honor where you are right now, LET GO OF YOUR EGO!  Once I noticed my ego talking to me incessantly during my practice, I could begin to acknowledge it and try to let it go: non-attachment.  When I would compare myself to others, I slowly brought my vision inside myself and looked at how my body felt in that pose.  When my ego would whisper negative things in my ear about others in the class, I would breathe more deeply and find my center again.

Taking this process off the mat was much more challenging than when I am on the mat. On the mat, I can easily find a centering place within myself.  In the world off my mat, it takes more effort to find my center when I am being bombarded by other people's thoughts and actions that may not mesh with my own. I have found that without my mat, I need to find a space I can bring myself to in order to release my ego and find balance again. For me, that place is my breath.  I breath into my belly to quiet my ego, for I need her. There is no me without my ego, I just need to work to bring my ego into balance sometimes.

Mindfulness

Day 29 of the WLC:

Every two weeks of this endeavor, the creators give us a new "Lifestyle Challenge"as a way to focus on other aspects of our life than just exercise and nutrition.  It is also an opportunity to earn some bonus points for those times when we feel we must have that bowl of frosting or skip a workout. The beginning of Week 5 of the Spring 2013 Whole Life Challenge leaves participants looking for ways to be mindful.  Today is the first day of that challenge, and even though I have only used 2 of my earned bonus points thus far, it is my mini-goal these next two weeks to get my points for being mindful every day.

What are they actually asking us to do, you ask? We must be mindful 10 minutes each day. Jon Kabat-Zinn's (famous teacher of mindfulness meditation) definition is that "[M]indfulness means paying attention in a particular way; on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgementally." (wildmind.org) Translated, I take that to mean that whatever it is I am doing, I am consciously paying attention to it with my whole mind. If my mind starts to wander, I know this and bring it back to what I was initially being mindful about.

When this lifestyle challenge was first issued, I immediately thought I would have to meditate every day. Heck, I can do that. Today is here, and I am not feeling like I can do that. Like I tend to say, "It's simple, not easy."

In a previous post, I introduced you to my meditation mat and pillow. Well, they are still in the basement living room wondering where I am, except for those times when they see me on road bike watching television in the winter. Now I wonder, "Do I have to do meditation to be mindful?"  The instructions are simply to be mindful of one thing you are doing for 10 minutes every day. Some people have chosen to write in a journal and others have chosen to eat mindfully. It seems I just have to do ONE thing for 10 minutes while only thinking of that one thing. Easy?

As I write this, Frank (my dog) is laying (snoring) across my lap as close to my torso as he can get, while I extend my arms out fully to type on my computer precariously placed upon my knees.  He's doing this because I have been busy today running around and "getting things done" and haven't paid much attention to him.  When I did have a few spare moments, I sat on the ottoman in front of the love seat where he was lounging and MINDLESSLY petted him while I watched out the window for my friend to arrive or put my makeup on.  Frank is very good at letting me know that he knows I am not giving him my undivided attention.  In fact, the clicking of the laptop keys has roused him from his slumber and he is beginning to nose at my hands.

Frank understands that being mindful is not only important for me, so that I can truly live in the moment and stop worrying about the future or fretting over the past, it is also important for those around me.  Those people who need my undivided attention, so that they know how much I appreciate and love them and wouldn't want to be on this planet without them.  This one is for all of you. You have all been in my mind as I write this. I can see your beautiful smiles and hear your calming voices. I am mindful of you.

100 Blessings

As January melted away and February opened it's doors, I encountered a person who came into my mind for the first time since then today.

Today the new Pope was announced to the world. I watched it while running a better than average 5 miles on the treadmill.  My plan to be on the treadmill while my favorite soap opera played to keep my mind off the mundane run was thwarted by the announcement.

Soon, I found myself quite interested in the details of the process of choosing a new Pope and how many people waited through the rain to be able to witness history first hand.  Apparently, the rain had been falling all day, then shortly after the white smoke puffed from the chimney, the rain stopped. Around the same time, the newscasters were interviewing a cardinal from New York who had been involved in the voting process in one form or another for the past four Popes. He was full of knowledge.

This cardinal was asked the questions, "Is this like the ultimate position for a Catholic priest?  Is this the job everyone wishes to have? Are the cardinals in the Sistine Chapel campaigning?" The cardinal took a moment to plan his response.  He then spoke about what this position truly means to a man who becomes the Vicar of God.  The cardinal began with saying that many outside the Church would probably think that would be the case; however, it is far from truth.  Truth be told, the job of Pope means being the person who over a billion people on this planet look to for comfort, prayers, and guidance. He is the moral compass. His job is multi-faceted in ways most people could not comprehend nor accomplish.  He ended his explanation by stating the even though being Pope is challenging, the man who is ultimately voted in is truly blessed and ready for the job.

My mind flashed to a large conference room in Waterloo, Iowa on the first day of February.  We were at the UNI overseas fair throwing our hats in the ring for possible worldly adventures as educators, and I needed some water.  Being without my water bottle was unusual but necessary during interviews.

I found a large water canister on a table in the corner, grabbed a cup, and was about to fill it.  At the same time, a man was grabbing his own cup.  I moved slightly to the side and offered to fill his cup for him.  I didn't think much of it other than I knew I would want to drink and refill right away. I didn't want him to have to wait for me.

He thanked me and said something about me working there.  I corrected him, and let him know that I was just another educator at the fair.  He stopped, almost in awe.  Then he bowed slightly, and thanked me.  After thanking me he said, "A hundred blessings to you."  That stopped me--in awe.

Those words and his face ran through my mind when the cardinal spoke.  Like a slap in the face, I realized that I need to focus on the blessings in my life when they arrive. I haven't been paying attention.  There are at least one hundred coming my way, and I may miss them if I don't.