Ego

The ego is an amazing thing. It's not a thing, really. One can't grab it, touch it, or see it. Most times it's tough to even know when it is working on us.

I began working on mine, I mean really working on it, a few years ago when going through yoga teacher training for the second time in my life. The first time I earned my certification, I spent my weekend at the health club learning postures and in what order they should be done in class. I didn't realize at the time that there is so much more to yoga than postures and getting a workout. I like to think I am older and wiser now. At that time, for the 30 of us (and many health club junkies) the postures and the class outline were the only things that mattered.  It was just another type of group fitness class.

Due to that experience, I spent many years avoiding yoga. My running life started instead! In my 20's I needed exercise that would physically drain me and keep me looking the way I thought I should look.  Yoga didn't fit that mold. It was too slow. I didn't sweat. It bored me.

After all those years of finding workouts that would get me out of my head and push myself to the limit physically, I chose to go back to yoga.  My second round of teacher training happened in Boulder, Colorado--the western yoga Mecca.  We spent hours and hours every week on our mats, breathing and moving through postures.  Then there were the hours we spent off our mats finding deeper meanings in yoga, learning about yoga and ourselves.

I found my ego there, on my mat, watching those lithe bodies moving perfectly through vinyasa flows and mastering inversions. My frustration with myself seeped through my expression in the mirrors of the studio.  I just had to figure out how to be perfect at yoga!

Through many classes of trying to be physically perfect and failing miserably, I started to actually listen to what our teachers were saying about being in the moment, yoga is a journey, honor where you are right now, LET GO OF YOUR EGO!  Once I noticed my ego talking to me incessantly during my practice, I could begin to acknowledge it and try to let it go: non-attachment.  When I would compare myself to others, I slowly brought my vision inside myself and looked at how my body felt in that pose.  When my ego would whisper negative things in my ear about others in the class, I would breathe more deeply and find my center again.

Taking this process off the mat was much more challenging than when I am on the mat. On the mat, I can easily find a centering place within myself.  In the world off my mat, it takes more effort to find my center when I am being bombarded by other people's thoughts and actions that may not mesh with my own. I have found that without my mat, I need to find a space I can bring myself to in order to release my ego and find balance again. For me, that place is my breath.  I breath into my belly to quiet my ego, for I need her. There is no me without my ego, I just need to work to bring my ego into balance sometimes.