Ego

The ego is an amazing thing. It's not a thing, really. One can't grab it, touch it, or see it. Most times it's tough to even know when it is working on us.

I began working on mine, I mean really working on it, a few years ago when going through yoga teacher training for the second time in my life. The first time I earned my certification, I spent my weekend at the health club learning postures and in what order they should be done in class. I didn't realize at the time that there is so much more to yoga than postures and getting a workout. I like to think I am older and wiser now. At that time, for the 30 of us (and many health club junkies) the postures and the class outline were the only things that mattered.  It was just another type of group fitness class.

Due to that experience, I spent many years avoiding yoga. My running life started instead! In my 20's I needed exercise that would physically drain me and keep me looking the way I thought I should look.  Yoga didn't fit that mold. It was too slow. I didn't sweat. It bored me.

After all those years of finding workouts that would get me out of my head and push myself to the limit physically, I chose to go back to yoga.  My second round of teacher training happened in Boulder, Colorado--the western yoga Mecca.  We spent hours and hours every week on our mats, breathing and moving through postures.  Then there were the hours we spent off our mats finding deeper meanings in yoga, learning about yoga and ourselves.

I found my ego there, on my mat, watching those lithe bodies moving perfectly through vinyasa flows and mastering inversions. My frustration with myself seeped through my expression in the mirrors of the studio.  I just had to figure out how to be perfect at yoga!

Through many classes of trying to be physically perfect and failing miserably, I started to actually listen to what our teachers were saying about being in the moment, yoga is a journey, honor where you are right now, LET GO OF YOUR EGO!  Once I noticed my ego talking to me incessantly during my practice, I could begin to acknowledge it and try to let it go: non-attachment.  When I would compare myself to others, I slowly brought my vision inside myself and looked at how my body felt in that pose.  When my ego would whisper negative things in my ear about others in the class, I would breathe more deeply and find my center again.

Taking this process off the mat was much more challenging than when I am on the mat. On the mat, I can easily find a centering place within myself.  In the world off my mat, it takes more effort to find my center when I am being bombarded by other people's thoughts and actions that may not mesh with my own. I have found that without my mat, I need to find a space I can bring myself to in order to release my ego and find balance again. For me, that place is my breath.  I breath into my belly to quiet my ego, for I need her. There is no me without my ego, I just need to work to bring my ego into balance sometimes.

Mindfulness

Day 29 of the WLC:

Every two weeks of this endeavor, the creators give us a new "Lifestyle Challenge"as a way to focus on other aspects of our life than just exercise and nutrition.  It is also an opportunity to earn some bonus points for those times when we feel we must have that bowl of frosting or skip a workout. The beginning of Week 5 of the Spring 2013 Whole Life Challenge leaves participants looking for ways to be mindful.  Today is the first day of that challenge, and even though I have only used 2 of my earned bonus points thus far, it is my mini-goal these next two weeks to get my points for being mindful every day.

What are they actually asking us to do, you ask? We must be mindful 10 minutes each day. Jon Kabat-Zinn's (famous teacher of mindfulness meditation) definition is that "[M]indfulness means paying attention in a particular way; on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgementally." (wildmind.org) Translated, I take that to mean that whatever it is I am doing, I am consciously paying attention to it with my whole mind. If my mind starts to wander, I know this and bring it back to what I was initially being mindful about.

When this lifestyle challenge was first issued, I immediately thought I would have to meditate every day. Heck, I can do that. Today is here, and I am not feeling like I can do that. Like I tend to say, "It's simple, not easy."

In a previous post, I introduced you to my meditation mat and pillow. Well, they are still in the basement living room wondering where I am, except for those times when they see me on road bike watching television in the winter. Now I wonder, "Do I have to do meditation to be mindful?"  The instructions are simply to be mindful of one thing you are doing for 10 minutes every day. Some people have chosen to write in a journal and others have chosen to eat mindfully. It seems I just have to do ONE thing for 10 minutes while only thinking of that one thing. Easy?

As I write this, Frank (my dog) is laying (snoring) across my lap as close to my torso as he can get, while I extend my arms out fully to type on my computer precariously placed upon my knees.  He's doing this because I have been busy today running around and "getting things done" and haven't paid much attention to him.  When I did have a few spare moments, I sat on the ottoman in front of the love seat where he was lounging and MINDLESSLY petted him while I watched out the window for my friend to arrive or put my makeup on.  Frank is very good at letting me know that he knows I am not giving him my undivided attention.  In fact, the clicking of the laptop keys has roused him from his slumber and he is beginning to nose at my hands.

Frank understands that being mindful is not only important for me, so that I can truly live in the moment and stop worrying about the future or fretting over the past, it is also important for those around me.  Those people who need my undivided attention, so that they know how much I appreciate and love them and wouldn't want to be on this planet without them.  This one is for all of you. You have all been in my mind as I write this. I can see your beautiful smiles and hear your calming voices. I am mindful of you.

100 Blessings

As January melted away and February opened it's doors, I encountered a person who came into my mind for the first time since then today.

Today the new Pope was announced to the world. I watched it while running a better than average 5 miles on the treadmill.  My plan to be on the treadmill while my favorite soap opera played to keep my mind off the mundane run was thwarted by the announcement.

Soon, I found myself quite interested in the details of the process of choosing a new Pope and how many people waited through the rain to be able to witness history first hand.  Apparently, the rain had been falling all day, then shortly after the white smoke puffed from the chimney, the rain stopped. Around the same time, the newscasters were interviewing a cardinal from New York who had been involved in the voting process in one form or another for the past four Popes. He was full of knowledge.

This cardinal was asked the questions, "Is this like the ultimate position for a Catholic priest?  Is this the job everyone wishes to have? Are the cardinals in the Sistine Chapel campaigning?" The cardinal took a moment to plan his response.  He then spoke about what this position truly means to a man who becomes the Vicar of God.  The cardinal began with saying that many outside the Church would probably think that would be the case; however, it is far from truth.  Truth be told, the job of Pope means being the person who over a billion people on this planet look to for comfort, prayers, and guidance. He is the moral compass. His job is multi-faceted in ways most people could not comprehend nor accomplish.  He ended his explanation by stating the even though being Pope is challenging, the man who is ultimately voted in is truly blessed and ready for the job.

My mind flashed to a large conference room in Waterloo, Iowa on the first day of February.  We were at the UNI overseas fair throwing our hats in the ring for possible worldly adventures as educators, and I needed some water.  Being without my water bottle was unusual but necessary during interviews.

I found a large water canister on a table in the corner, grabbed a cup, and was about to fill it.  At the same time, a man was grabbing his own cup.  I moved slightly to the side and offered to fill his cup for him.  I didn't think much of it other than I knew I would want to drink and refill right away. I didn't want him to have to wait for me.

He thanked me and said something about me working there.  I corrected him, and let him know that I was just another educator at the fair.  He stopped, almost in awe.  Then he bowed slightly, and thanked me.  After thanking me he said, "A hundred blessings to you."  That stopped me--in awe.

Those words and his face ran through my mind when the cardinal spoke.  Like a slap in the face, I realized that I need to focus on the blessings in my life when they arrive. I haven't been paying attention.  There are at least one hundred coming my way, and I may miss them if I don't.

Fan the Flames

Within the past 24 hours I have been inundated with messages by passionate people.  People who have found something that stokes the fire in their souls like nothing I can imagine. 

My friend’s passion for math has been evident to me for some time.  Her career is as a math teacher, and her passion is helping students understand math.  Being able to do math and being able to understand math are two different things.  She will tell you that from the outset.  Through her passion for people to understand math, I have come to understand that I never understood math. I was never taught the “why” behind the numbers in order to find meaning and be able to take my math education higher than Algebra II.  But that’s not the point. 

Yesterday, I witnessed how truly passionate she is about math and her students’ success in life based on what they learn in class.  Her classes are completely inquiry-based.  On a daily basis, the students are asked to take “think time” about what they know and what they don’t.  They are asked to work together through issues. They are asked to discuss math, the ins and outs, the dos and don’ts, the whys and why nots.  Her classes are 90 minutes long and blow by like a 10 minute CrossFit WOD: challenging, quick, and highly effective.  These students learn how to think! They learn how to solve real-world problems!  They learn how to work cooperatively!

The school district is going to be adopting a new math curriculum and is leaning toward one that is not the best choice in terms of best practice and research on how math should be taught. My friend is fired up!  Yesterday, we met with the Curriculum and Instruction Director, and my friend jumped with both feet into the subject—once again.  The conversation was fierce and one that needed to take place. I watched my friend’s passion explode!  She offered her assistance to the Director in making this important decision as well as arguments for certain programs and the research behind them.

After the conversation ended, my friend was frustrated. She knows what’s best for kids and so does the Director; however, that doesn’t mean that is what will ultimately decide what happens here.  Not that that is stopping my friend. She spent the entire rest of the night planning how to present her case to the Superintendent, the Assistant Superintendent, the school board, and anyone else who will listen—even if she finds great disappointment in the end.

We all know, that I always turn the mirror on myself when I see something that stand out to me.  When I looked in that mirror for passion like that, I found none.  Not like that. Not to that degree.  My life has been a series of learning experiences that took me from one job to another, but I have not found my passion.  I love fitness, and I know much about it, but am I passionate?  I don’t know.  I know I want to be passionate about something like my friend is or the other people who presented themselves and their passion to me the past 24 hours. Are you passionate about something? 

WLC Day 4 in the books! 

Coconut Pancakes!

Day 3 of the WLC and I succeeded in creating edible, no--scrumptious coconut pancakes!  This has been four months in the making.  As soon as I completed the last WLC, I have been trying to find ways to make pancakes that I could actually eat and be WLC/Paleo compliant.

Here's just a bit of a back story:  I love pancakes! When I was a vegan, the breakfast choices were limited, but I found I could get away with some awesome whole wheat pancakes from Village Inn--particularly the banana walnut ones!  Then I went Paleo and still coveted pancakes but didn't eat them on a regular basis.  I would generally grab some after a double-digit long run on Sundays.  Knowing that the whole wheat pancakes didn't fit my eating lifestyle was okay with me as long as I knew I could have them when I really wanted them.

When I chose to do the fall WLC, I knew I would have to give up pancakes, which seemed like a small price to pay.   That is until the first weekend of the challenge.  Joe (my husband) and I have a weekend routine that goes like this:  wake up early, go to the gym and workout (or run outside), clean up, and go out to breakfast together.  Then came the WLC Fall Challenge, and the knowledge that I couldn't have the pancakes when I wanted them.  I was also training for two marathons six weeks apart!  Those weekend breakfasts watching him eat a stack of pancakes smothered in maple syrup slayed me! That is when I decided I needed to find a way to make pancakes I could eat.

My first attempt at coconut flour pancakes was meager at best.  I thought I could just substitute coconut flour for wheat flour--not exactly.  Coconut flour is much more porous (or something), which meant I needed a whole lot less of it than regular flour!  That batch went in the trash.

The next couple of attempts were half-hearted, and I tried to skimp on the ingredients.  This lead me to a fun, new treat!  No--the pancakes did not work. The consistency was wrong, and they wouldn't cook correctly.  However, when I mixed my new concoction with chocolate flavored protein shake mix, I had a refreshing, tasty treat!

Today, I came home for lunch with tackling this pancake dilemma head on.  I grabbed the coconut flour, eggs, vanilla, coconut milk, and baking soda and set to work.  I mixed all the dry ingredients together in one bowl and what I thought were all the wet ingredients into another bowl.  The batter was chunky.  I didn't care. I spooned it into the hot pan anyway.  Then I read the instructions again. I hadn't put the eggs in the mix!  They were sitting right there on the counter patiently waiting for me.

After sliding the chunky batter out of the pan and back into the bowl, I added the eggs and mixed thoroughly.  I made one huge pancake, which turned out magnificently.  My beautiful WLC-approved pancake sat on my salad plate looking like it was missing something...syrup!  Egads!  I couldn't put syrup on it.  Wait!  I grabbed the almond butter  from the refrigerator and spread it atop the pancake!

I had mastered coconut pancakes with almond butter topping!  Next time I will add the walnuts and bananas to the mix...and still keep the almond butter topping!

Nom Nom!

Fitting in or Standing out?

As I drove out to the health club to get in my 10k on the treadmill this afternoon, I passed a guy sauntering through the grass seemingly with nowhere in particular to be.  He was enjoying a somewhat mild mid-afternoon stroll, albeit with an impressively cold and fast wind.  I glanced quickly as I rolled by and spied a 20 oz. plastic pop bottle dangling precariously from the first two fingers of his right hand.  I turned my eyes back to the road, but my mind stayed focused on that pop bottle.

"He doesn't even care that he is drinking something that is unhealthy for him." My brain began it's assault on my willpower. "Why can't I be more like normal people and not care so much about being healthy. There are a lot of people who live a nice life without having to always make the healthy choice in what they eat!"

Those thoughts came in a 3 second wave of envy, jealousy, and regret, which rolled back out to sea as quickly as it had come.  It barely reached my toes standing on the beach of my own life looking out at everyone else's.

As the wave receded, I came back to myself and these questions: "Why do I even want to fit in?  Why would I want to be like everyone else?"

The answer came back not as an answer as much as an understanding, a knowledge of myself.  I have never fit in.  I have never desired to be like everyone else, well, not for long.  That desire was more like a fleeting thought when life had given me something I thought I wasn't prepared to handle.  

My life has always been a series of ebbs and flows, ups and downs, most of which has been brought on because of the choices I have made in order to stand out and to be loyal and honest to myself.  When a new fad comes along, like the Harry Potter series, I resist the temptation to jump.  If or when I do, that is usually at a time when most others have moved on to something new.  

I desire for my life to be filled with interesting experiences that lead me to know myself better, to know the world in a unique way, and to know people who will expand my universe.  Even though there are brief moments in which fitting in seems easier, being who I am makes me realize that fitting in would be much more difficult a thing to accomplish than standing on who I am and who I want to be in this world.

Day 2 of the Whole Life Challenge has come to a close, and I found a beautiful nugget of knowledge about myself that was unexpected!  How wonderful!

2 Days until the WLC!

Today has been a day of reflection and looking forward.  I have a sinus infection, which kept me on the couch after a two-hour stint at the doctor's office. It seems as though my body and the world around me is in a state of flux.  It's Valentine's Day. It's the official middle of February. The days are getting longer. The sun is coming out more.  It's time for a shift in thought and action.

The Spring 2013 Whole Life Challenge (WLC) is 2 days away, and I am excited.  Mentally, I am ready. Physically, I am begging for something new.  Saturday will be a day of extremes for me.  I will need to get my base numbers down on paper; look them in the eye and acknowledge where I am.

There are easy numbers, made easier by my trip to the doctor today. My resting heart rate is 56.  My blood pressure is 106/62.  I know my cholesterol, because it is something I have fought with for most of my adult life.  It was part of the reason I was a vegan for 2 years, which actually made it worse.  Apparently my body is easily inflamed, much like my personality!  

The most difficult number will be the one on the scale.  I haven't even decided if I will do that.  I haven't been on a scale and known the number for about two years.  Yes, I went to the doctor today. And, yes, they measured my weight. However, I don't look at the scale and tell the nurse not to tell me what it said.  I am still trying to work my weigh, oops....way through my plethora of eating disorders, which means convincing myself that the number doesn't matter.  Being healthy and strong is what matters.

Those are the reasons I choose to participate in these challenges.  They make me eat healthy, work out in a smart way, and take care of myself mentally and physically.  I figure the more I participate, the more concrete the changes will become.  Eating healthy, heck...eating period will just become natural and not so much a struggle for me.

I know I will suffer through the first two weeks of this challenge just as I suffered during the first one last fall.  I also know that I will thrive once I make it down that first path.  The clouds will surely dissipate, the fog will creep back through the trees, and my smile will shine brighter than before.  This will surely be the best spring I have experienced, and I will be blessed to experience it with my friends and family either walking it with me or supporting me from the grassy boulevards.

Let's see what tomorrow holds............